I have been up all night, stressing a bit about the impending surgery, and cat napping in my desk chair. I’m going to actually hit the sheets shortly and hope that by the time I awaken there will somehow be money on Paypal to go buy some food. Not liking this March, my month of birth, so far.
Vertebral artery stenosis. That’s the official diagnosis from the neurosurgeon. Essentially, there are four arteries that feed blood into the brain; the two arteries on the left side of my brain, one in the left node and another in the carotid artery are fifty percent blocked and need to be opened up by removing the plaque causing the blockage.
So on March 20 I’ll be admitted to St. Vincent’s Medical Center to have surgery performed to correct the problem and prevent another mini-stroke from happening. I have to get a lot of ducks in a row before then, including trying to get my past due bills somehow near current and how to come up with the funds to put food on the table beginning today.
It’s not easy going through this shit alone. And broke.
News update will be forthcoming later today but for now suffice to say that I am undergoing major surgery on March 20. I can use all the support I can muster right now.
Lately it feels like everything is unraveling. So much so that I gave serious contemplation on Saturday to suicide; the only thing that stopped me was a prescient warning that my former doctor gave me that most people who attempt to OD on Vicodin merely end up giving themselves severe liver damage.
The threads began unfraying in mid-December with the dissolution of my eight-year relationship with Lela, followed in short order by a painful herniated disc in my lower back; two strains of the flu virus; and then the big one, a brain aneurysm that apparently caused me to lose consciousness and collapse on the sidewalk near my home where I fractured my ribs, followed by two weeks of invasive medical tests and procedures, with surgery likely in March. And one week ago I came home from a series of MRI tests to discover that my gas service had been disconnected. I have no hot water, no way to wash the dishes piling up in the kitchen and no way to bathe or shower.
Tomorrow, Monday, I will lose my internet service unless I can come up with $71.46, and without internet I lose my connection to the outside world. I have no groceries, no hope, no anything.
So, I have $27.00 on Paypal; do I make a token payment on my $71.46 past due on my internet bill to avoid shutoff on Monday or do I purchase groceries?
The last two days my psoriasis has exploded, largely a result of stress. If I do not come up with $71.46 by 11:00 PM on Monday I will lose my internet connection via Time-Warner.
Without internet, I will lose my connection to the outside world; when I do not have air time on my prepaid cell, which is often, I rely on my free G-Mail phone and e-mail and Facebook to communicate with the outside world, including my doctor and neurologist; with no cable TV, the web is my sole source of streaming video. If I can pay even a minimum of fifty dollars, I believe, given my personal circumstances, I can convince TWC to keep me turned on, but as of this moment I have five bucks in cash and $6.06 on Paypal.
If I can get five folks out there to Paypal me ten bucks each or seven kind donors in the same amount, I can breathe easy. God knows I do not need this extra worry and stress right now. If you want to call it a loan, that is workable; I get paid on March 3 and I have two freelance assignments coming up. My Paypal is email@example.com
Thank you in advance …
It is a natural human inclination to reflect back on traumatic events and attempt to make sense of them, and with distance, in most situations, we gain a more clear perspective. But whenever I think back on the afternoon of January 31, all I get in return is hazy memories at best; it’s like recalling a bad dream, you remember only the vivid details but not every moment in the scenario.
I spend a lot of time sleeping of late and I have not eaten in two days; not for lack of appetite but for lack of food and money for food. I have a freelance assignment coming up this month, worth about $250.00-300.00, which will be very helpful, but that does not put dinner on the table for now and does not pay for new meds.
And so it goes …